Weeds

Last Tuesday afternoon, I finally tackled the gargantuan task of weed-pulling on our property. After receiving our first penalty notice from the HOA and enduring several nights of losing our dogs in the forest formerly known as our backyard, we decided enough was enough. Three hours later, I had definitely made a dent (I wish I had before and after photos to share), but there is still a lot to do to make it look nice. I pulled and pulled until my hands were swollen and tingly and my back was numb; and all the while, the same words of a particular song played over and over in my head: "Yesterday I felt so angry, and today so insecure. I hate it that I wrestle with the God that I adore. Your presence always heals me, so I wanna drink it in. You know where we're going, God, and you know where I've been..." I hummed this tune the whole time, and as I weeded, I noticed a dramatic difference in the types of things that were taking up residence in our otherwise bare yard.

There were giant, hideous, mutant weeds, several feet tall, with spikes and fuzz, growing in the corner of the yard, where there was never any shade and the ground was dry, dusty and hard. There were also smaller, fern-like plants that grew next to the house, where the ground was damp and soft and always shielded from the harsh effects of sunlight. No matter what technique I used to pull the mutant weeds out of the ground, they all snapped off at the base, leaving what I am sure is an intricate root system tucked securely in its dry, rocky home, and I am left holding a useless, disgusting, prickly mess in my hands. The more lush weeds (if you can even use the word "lush" to describe a weed) came effortlessly out of the softer ground next to the house.

Now, when you pull weeds for that long, in virtual silence, one of two things will inevitably happen: you start to have imaginary conversations in your head, or you start to hear from God. It's funny, the ways that God will speak to us. On this particular day, the words to that song played over and over, words that are very relevant in my life right now, and I needed some time to let them sink in and take shape and transform my soul. I needed a reminder pounded into my head that Christ is my rock when important things seem to be spinning out of control, and there was one situation in particular on my heart that, in spite of my best efforts, I cannot just let go.

But back to the weeds. I can't help but laugh that God used weeds to make an important point to me. If weeds are sin, like bitterness, pride, and unforgiveness, in what kind of ground will they most thrive? What kind of heart is fertile ground for these pests? Once weeds take over, they suffocate everything else that tries to grow around them. If I tried to plant anything beautiful or useful in that part of the yard, it wouldn't stand a chance. It was in that moment that I realized my heart was resembling a breeding ground for weeds more than a haven for beauty and health.

This realization didn't come full-circle until I went to my Wednesday night Bible study and heard a piece by Beth Moore that was not only timely, but downright true. For several months now, I have been struggling big time with forgiving the way that I know I am supposed to. Details are irrelevant, but some important people in my life have hurt me in a way I never thought they were capable of, and the chain of events over the last several months has left me confused, brokenhearted, and at a total loss. I have never been faced with anything like this before, and it has done a number on the condition of my heart.

I was so thankful to hear Beth Moore validate my struggle with this. That it is human nature to not want to forgive someone because then they "win"... that we don't want to forgive someone until we get what we want from them. Very true, and I've heard it before. What she said that was different was what made me realize that forgiveness is unconditional, especially when we are in disagreement with a fellow sister in Christ. I do not need any more from those who offended me than what I got, because I am never going to get it. Just because of Christ, I am going to get over it. And just like that, I felt the roots of the weeds that held a suffocating grip on my heart loosen, and finally I could breathe again.

It's not easy to forget what happened, although I hope to someday. It's hard to imagine what the coming days will look like in light of this situation, but with God's help it will become what He wants it to be. I have hope because I am surrounded by reminders of the power of love and forgiveness in restored relationships, some that belong to me and some that I was merely witness to. I am sure I will make my share of mistakes along the way. But for now, I refuse to let the enemy win this thing, at least on my end. Only God can change hearts, and who knew? He would change mine on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, weeding the yard.

Untitled, 1/5/09.

I don't even know what I'm doing awake right now, because it's almost midnight and I don't feel well and Cody is downstairs baking cookies for a work "retreat" tomorrow and I have all this stuff on my mind. I just read 1 John 1 and one verse in particular jumped out at me in such a way that I can't help but beg for God's help not to be this person anymore:

If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. (v. 6)

I have been walking in my own darkness for longer than I ever should have; dark enough that I feel like I'm not who I say I am, and I know there are others who have thought that of me because of it, others who are as imperfect as me, just in different ways. I have been hurt and judged and gossiped about behind my back and turned into something I'm not by people who are supposed to love me because I messed up and yes, I am guilty of less-than-godly behavior. I could go on and on to justify myself but the bottom line is that I need to forgive. I don't know how but I must, because God knows that bitterness will shred me to pieces until there is nothing good left in me to show what happens when we actually live out the life He has for us.

For now, I am so thankful to have dear, dear friends who are living proof of God's redemption, because they give me the hope I need, and that's the first step.

It's been a while...

I gotta be honest, I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, especially blogging. All of my creative energy has been zapped by some pretty crappy and hurtful circumstances that I won't get into here. And besides that, Obama won the election- that's enough to send any true conservative into hiding for a while, no? Anyway, on to the actual, non-political reason for this blog... shocking, I know.

Yesterday was an exiting, life-changing day for Cody and I... we got news that the bank approved our offer on a house! We have been searching for a couple of months now and every time we found something we loved someone else had beaten us to the punch. Let's just say that when the media tells you that the housing market is frozen, they are full of it. Haha. But seriously. The process was becoming so frustrating it was beginning to feel like we would never get a house before we had to move out of here. Well, it turns out God had a plan for us indeed.

Last April, we were thisclose to buying a 1300 sf home in Gilbert for $195k. A day before the inspection period ended, I lost my job and our income was cut in half. We had to give up the house, and I was devastated. Cody assured me that we would be OK and that we had to trust God, and after a while I got over it, and we moved into his mom's house. OUR plan was to live there for about a year and pay off the one loan that we had and then buy a house. GOD'S plan was a little different, however. And since only hindsight is 20/20, I was freaking out when I found out we had to move out sooner than expected, and I didn't know what we were going to do.

As we all know, the market has changed dramatically in the past few months. Foreclosures have skyrocketed, interest rates have dropped, the stock market has been frighteningly volatile. All of these things, however, have created the perfect storm for people like Cody and I as first-time home buyers. So we set off on a mission to find the perfect home for the perfect amount of money, thinking we would snap one up in no time.

Fast forward a couple of months, and we were at the end of our rope, with no desire to rent an apartment in the meantime but feeling like it was inevitable. Keep in mind that we have the most incredible agent ever (if you are reading this and are looking for an agent, I INSIST that you employ him!), but often the seller's agents are flaky, lazy, and just plain don't know what they're doing. So the MLS status will say one thing but something entirely different will be going on with the house. Scott, our agent, knows the process better than we ever could, so we trusted his advice and direction as we navigated our options and knew he had our best interests at heart.

Then Tuesday arrives. We get an email from Scott about a bank-owned listing that had just been reduced that day to $150k... on Monday it was listed at $240k. A $90k drop?! I knew the banks were desperate to get rid of inventory, but that seemed a little ridiculous. I called Scott after work and chatted with him a bit, and we decided to meet at the house to check it out that afternoon. Cody was still at work, so he couldn't be there to meet us. When I pulled up to the house, there was a car in the driveway... someone else was there checking it out. My heart absolutely dropped and I thought there was no way that these people were going to leave the place without going straight to the agent's office to submit an offer, it was that nice. So when Scott showed up and opened the front door, I stepped inside and here's my reaction: "OK... we need to leave right now and put an offer down. We can't let these people beat us to the punch... again!" Thankfully, Scott just kept walking through the house and I followed, and the whole time was beside myself with excitement because this place was beyond anything we had ever hoped for. Scott just kept saying, "What is wrong with this place? There has to be SOMETHING wrong with it... $150k? The bank is crazy!" But we found nothing. Just an amazing house with upgrades galore in a beautiful neighborhood in Gilbert.

I thought we didn't stand a chance.

We all headed straight to Scott's home office and submitted our offer. Wednesday morning, Cody sent in the earnest check. Thursday morning, Cody received a message from Scott saying that there was another offer on the house, which didn't surprise us but was a huge let-down. We thought that even though ours was the first to get to the bank, the bank would be foolish not to take the highest offer, if this other offer was higher than ours. Then, just as Cody was about to encourage me with that day's entry from "My Utmost For His Highest" Scott called us again. He started off the conversation by saying that he had good news and bad news. Sounding rather grim, he shared the bad news first: over the course of the day, several other offers had been submitted. Pause for effect. Then he said, "But the good news is... I got a call from the seller's agent. And the bank accepted your offer immediately. Just like that. I almost peed my pants. And the seller's agent is completely shocked that they took your offer so quickly. I don't even know what to say... this was the nicest house out of all the ones we've seen. And it's worth so much more than you guys are paying for it. Congratulations, friends." I was so happy, so relieved, felt so incredibly blessed that I cried. Behind our wedding day, it was the happiest day of my life.

As excited as I was when I was in the house, I knew I couldn't let myself get too attached to the idea of living there. We had been through enough disappointments to realize that wasn't a smart move. But I honestly had never felt that excited about a house, ever. After we submitted the offer, we submitted the process to God in prayer. I almost felt silly bothering Him with our house troubles, but we both knew that God is always in control and we had to believe that He had our best at heart, whether that meant we get the house or not. Considering the circumstances, I can't help but feel that He intervened to make it happen because He wants us to use our home for His purposes. It has been a dream of ours to do so. I must be honest and say that it was the first time I had submitted the process to God since this whole ordeal began. It was the first time I believed that He had the perfect house set aside for us and it may or may not be the one we liked, but we had to trust in His timing and plan. I know it's easy for me to say now because things worked out... but believe me that if it didn't work out, I would have firmly believed that it was because it wasn't the one. It doesn't mean I wouldn't have been scared and wondering what was going to happen... it just means that I know and believe what Romans 8:28 says.

We feel incredibly fortunate and blessed. All that to say... here it is!

No job, no house.

For the past week, I have been trying very hard to not be bitter at my former boss for letting me go last Monday. VERY hard. And I've found it to be nearly impossible. I have to take responsibility for my terrible judgment call the preceding Friday for calling in to take a personal day (GOD FORBID), but it was certainly an offense I didn't anticipate would result in being accused by my boss of blowing him off on a Friday immediately followed by, "That was your last day. Here's your paycheck." I could go on and on about all the reasons I think this situation was handled with outrageous (mis)judgment, but I'm sure it's best to leave that for my anonymous blog and/or venting sessions with my closest friends and family.

It isn't so much that he fired me for inconveniencing him that hurts the most; it's that as a result of my loss of income, Cody and I lost the house we had been mentally occupying and building our future around for the past several weeks. While I had heard that buying a home is an emotional process, I had no idea that losing one would ever be this hard.

My heart is breaking for another reason: the couple who owns the house has been trying to move to Arkansas for who knows how long (when we first started looking, the home had been on the market for 437 days). Before we came along, they had another buyer who started the process and didn't qualify either. I don't know the details of their situation or why they are moving or when they need to move, but I can only imagine how hard it is to be disappointed repeatedly on such a major life change as moving across the country. I actually kind of want to go knock on their door and tell them how sorry I am for messing up their plans. Fortunately, I think that they would have to admit, just as Cody and I have, that God obviously had something else in mind for all of us.

This past week has been devastatingly hard, and yet a perfect illustration of how sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Cody and I are so ready to have a permanent home for us and our pups, but as we faced this astronomical change in our circumstances, we came to the realization that 1. We must have been in denial about the numbers, and 2. God is clearly saying, "Not right now." When I say we were in denial about the numbers, I don't mean that we wouldn't have been able to pay our bills; I mean that we ONLY would have been able to pay our bills with little to no wiggle room for a life. We would be house-poor. We became very thankful at the timing of this, because if the process was already finished when it happened, we wouldn't have been able to pay our mortgage. We would much rather lose the home under these circumstances than foreclosure.

We are ready to bounce back though. My dear mother-in-law has opened her home to us in order to pay off our loan and build up more savings for a down payment, and over the next year or so, we should have that finished. We are both so thankful for her support and generosity. We will have more freedom to travel and fulfill commitments we have already made without any stress, like going to see our grandparents in Oklahoma and Illinois, and be in my friend's wedding in Minnesota next summer, and perhaps even a couple more (wink wink). While having no income for now is not ideal, that will change, and my time has been freed up to pursue the things I want to do. I have developed a plan for this next phase of our lives: find a part-time job, build my Web site, do some freelance writing, network, build my pet business, and be able to stay home more with the fur-kids.

For now, I am still being stubborn and bitter about the circumstances that caused us to lose the house. Every time I picture what I thought our lives would have been like in that house I get very, very sad; but those feelings are gradually being replaced by lessons in patience, responsibility, gratefulness, and humility. Clearly, Cody and I aren't the best at listening to God for guidance, because look at the drastic measures He had to take to get our attention. All we can do now is thank Him for being so blatantly clear this time, and work at being better at seeking His wisdom from now on.

Joy

Reconcile this.

Being that this is a big election year, and we live in a country FULL of conflicting ideas, opinions, political views, and beliefs, I have been putting a lot of thought into my political views and how they relate to my Christian faith. I am a conservative politically, but do not believe that the Christian faith somehow belongs to the far right, i.e. that you can't be a liberal AND a Christian at the same time. It saddens me that there may be people out there who actually think that. It also saddens me when I hear liberals accusing conservatives of being selfish, greedy and evil, because not only is it wrong to generalize, it is also a personal attack on me, and hey, at least I'd like to think that I'm not those things :)

My point is this: I think it's possible for faith and politics to be reconciled (and yes, I do realize that Jim Wallis has long began exploring this subject... I'm just not entirely sure I completely agree with his views, either). I have been doing a lot of reading and putting a lot of thought and prayer into what that exactly looks like, and I am nowhere near reaching a conclusion on this. In the end, maybe this will change me entirely. But right now, I stand behind my political views, and believe that this exploration may only strengthen them.

While this blog is going to be about anything I want it to be about, there will be a post here and there about specific, pressing issues facing our country today, what conservatives and liberals have to say on these issues, what the Word has to say about these issues, and what I personally believe is the correct response, and I invite any readers to respond to these things too.

All I ask is that we keep the name-calling to a minimum. Because believe me, if I can continue to keep the same circle of my closest friends (many of whom have extreme liberal, democratic beliefs) for years- some even decades- while being a highly conservative Republican, I think we can keep things civil in blog-land. Capishe?